Change

Change is happening and things are moving... both literally and figuratively.  So much to do and so little time.

Last Day

It's the last day of school and I have received a little bit more bad news amidst having to say goodbye to the seniors in my program.  That means that the ulcers I have in my mouth as a result of this very stressful week will not be going away any time soon.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they got worse.

  These are my seniors - a complete ensemble within themselves

We had the senior award ceremony this morning during first and second periods and of course, I had to be the first to present my awards.  I stood up at the podium and was just fine.  I began to speak about how difficult it is to get to know these kids for four years just to let them go.  I was still fine.  Then I looked down at the little script I had sketched out for myself so as to not forget anything important, saw the name of the first senior I was going to present an honor cord to and suddenly couldn't see or speak.  I had to wait for what felt like an eternity for the lump in my throat to shrink enough to allow proper phonation.  I squeaked out the first little bit and sounded very much like a kid whose voice was right in the middle of the worst part of a voice change.  Finally, by way of making fun of myself, I got a giggle from the audience and had a little chuckle myself and was able to finish.  The next kid was the worst - I squeaked, squinted and wiped my face the entire time I was trying to read.  After cracking another joke about my obvious instability, it was a little easier to get through the next award.  Then came the final two and I was great until the very end when I said that one of them was the smartest kid I have ever known, and the word "known" went up in what sounded like air being slowly pinched out of a balloon by an obnoxious kid at a birthday party.  Tears immediately poured down my face - just like they are now - and I had to try and squeak out the title of the awards and the names to which they were being presented.  It's unfair to make creative people have to stand up and do what we did this morning.  We are simply too emotional.  I dread graduation tonight.

My world is kind of in a whirlwind of change right now.  The possibilities of really big changes are looking overhead and it's uncomfortable and scary.  I honestly feel like these seniors who are packing up their lives and going to college.  I may be saying goodbye to more than just my seniors and if I have to say the goodbye I don't want to say, I'm afraid of how it will effect me.  It would definitely be a lot more difficult to come to school every day.

I just want some peace and quiet.  I don't want to be busy.  I don't want to have any deadlines.  I don't want to worry anymore.  I don't want to say goodbye to any more friends.  Peace and quiet.

To my seniors - I will miss you and I love you all like you're my own kids.

To my colleague and friend - I hope this is not goodbye.  Not yet.

To God - do I get a break now?

Why is it...

that when you think things are going better and looking up, you are slapped in the face with the reality that nothing has changed?  I'm broke - I can't afford the general cost of living because I am in one of the few professions in which you work and work and work and get NO pay raise.  I'm being paid as a beginning teacher and this is the end of four and a half years.  That means I can't even afford to start repaying the loans I had to take out to get the eduction that I was told was going to help me have a good career and make decent money.  On top of that, at school, I am constantly reminded that for the most part my students will never rise above being common, trashy, lazy and stupid because they are not expected to by anyone other than me.  They don't have to show up to school because all of their absences are just forgiven like wiping a marker board clean.  We are not even allowed to count them tardy in the attendance book.  They don't have to pass tests or make good grades because in the case of more than one senior who has taken my music appreciation class and failed horribly, grades were changed without my say so they could walk.  I guess if we don't prepare them , we need to just push them out and get them out of our hair... so they can start cooking the food we eat out or any number of menial services we will eventually have to rely on. 

This awful realization has always been there in the back of my mind, but it was brought right back to the front last night.  We had an underclassmen awards ceremony last night.  My advanced group was asked to sing the Alma Mater and the National Anthem, so we met early to rehearse before the ceremony began.  Three of my ADVANCED STUDENTS showed up with some of their uniforms missing.  They laughed because they thought it was funny.  I, in turn, made everyone take off what those three were missing.  They didn't like that so they stopped giggling.  They then began to complain that we were going to actually be holding them accountable for their trashy behavior at graduation and did nothing but turn into trailer trash before my very eyes.  After the ceremony was finished, I walked into my room to realize that those stupid kids had left an ungodly mess and even left a carton of milk just sitting on my table.  WHO DOES THAT?!

So, on to the ceremony itself.  A lot of teachers don't even give awards to underclassmen, but I did.  I wanted to recognize the achievement of three students who have seemingly come a long way for me this semester.  I get up, begin to say wonderful things about a sophomore and why it was I selected her to receive this award, and when I say her name to come to the stage, she isn't there.  Didn't even bother to come.  So, I shrug and move on to the next.  I had even more glowing and wonderful things to say about this student (who otherwise has the reputation of being a complete loser that neither her peers nor most of her teachers respect very much) and when I said her name, there were crickets.  She also didn't come to the ceremony.  So, I had to move on to the third student.  I talked about how great she was and how much she has done for the program (and she had actually just sang on stage with my advanced group at the beginning of the evening) and when I called her name... SHE WASN'T THERE.  I'm so sick of kids who are so unmotivated and so self involved that they can't even show up to a formal event to receive recognition in a positive light for once.  I will not be giving out any more awards.

Of course after that, lots of other stupid little things kept happening to just add to the problem and I'm in quite a state this morning.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want to be around these stupid kids anymore.  I don't want to see my "colleagues."  I want to start over and I don't get to.

I hope none of these kids come to school tomorrow.  I would love to spend my last day in peace.