Last Day

It's the last day of school and I have received a little bit more bad news amidst having to say goodbye to the seniors in my program.  That means that the ulcers I have in my mouth as a result of this very stressful week will not be going away any time soon.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they got worse.

  These are my seniors - a complete ensemble within themselves

We had the senior award ceremony this morning during first and second periods and of course, I had to be the first to present my awards.  I stood up at the podium and was just fine.  I began to speak about how difficult it is to get to know these kids for four years just to let them go.  I was still fine.  Then I looked down at the little script I had sketched out for myself so as to not forget anything important, saw the name of the first senior I was going to present an honor cord to and suddenly couldn't see or speak.  I had to wait for what felt like an eternity for the lump in my throat to shrink enough to allow proper phonation.  I squeaked out the first little bit and sounded very much like a kid whose voice was right in the middle of the worst part of a voice change.  Finally, by way of making fun of myself, I got a giggle from the audience and had a little chuckle myself and was able to finish.  The next kid was the worst - I squeaked, squinted and wiped my face the entire time I was trying to read.  After cracking another joke about my obvious instability, it was a little easier to get through the next award.  Then came the final two and I was great until the very end when I said that one of them was the smartest kid I have ever known, and the word "known" went up in what sounded like air being slowly pinched out of a balloon by an obnoxious kid at a birthday party.  Tears immediately poured down my face - just like they are now - and I had to try and squeak out the title of the awards and the names to which they were being presented.  It's unfair to make creative people have to stand up and do what we did this morning.  We are simply too emotional.  I dread graduation tonight.

My world is kind of in a whirlwind of change right now.  The possibilities of really big changes are looking overhead and it's uncomfortable and scary.  I honestly feel like these seniors who are packing up their lives and going to college.  I may be saying goodbye to more than just my seniors and if I have to say the goodbye I don't want to say, I'm afraid of how it will effect me.  It would definitely be a lot more difficult to come to school every day.

I just want some peace and quiet.  I don't want to be busy.  I don't want to have any deadlines.  I don't want to worry anymore.  I don't want to say goodbye to any more friends.  Peace and quiet.

To my seniors - I will miss you and I love you all like you're my own kids.

To my colleague and friend - I hope this is not goodbye.  Not yet.

To God - do I get a break now?