It's been a very long time since my last post but there is something I need to express before my head explodes.  It's been a long time since I have experienced anything even remotely close to love... a very long time.  No crushes, no real interest - no real want for those feelings.  I've been trying to adapt to a new school and new kids and new traditions and it has been mind boggling.  However, today I followed through with meeting someone I have been talking to for a little while now.  I had a sneaking suspicion that I didn't want to meet this person because I felt it would mess with my head... I was right.  I can't stop thinking and hoping and wishing and imagining and being absolutely terrified.  Terrified of rejection, terrified of acceptance, terrified of things that may never even have the chance to evolve.

The most romantic thing happened to me today - a single flower was picked from a private garden and given to me.  I came to learn that it was a grape hyacinth and although it was tiny, it smelled wonderful.  I also came to learn that the fragrance is why it was given to me.  A single, tiny, vibrantly purple flower that smelled wonderful.  However, what happened before that was unreal making the flower just that much sweeter.  I was being told of a song that was sung frequently by this person and their friends when they get together.  The song is "Cakes and Ale" and I think comes from a Shakespeare play if I'm not mistaken.  Imagine that; people still sing songs when they are just hanging out and having a drink and spending time with the people they care about... and this happens to be a song dating back to the 16th century or earlier.  What made it so special is that a snippet of the song was actually sung to me right there in the garden.  I was SUNG to!  I don't care how cheesy it seems, it was like being transported back to a time when courting was a real thing and sweetness and thoughtfulness were expected and respected.  A walk through a private garden with the invitation "do you have time for a walk through the garden" was issued wherein I was sung to and given a sweet smelling flower.  I was later texted a photo of a beautifully blossoming plant from the same garden.  No wonder there were fainting sofas everywhere in times past - it's all a person can do to stand such simple, sweet and somehow overwhelming gestures.  Where are my smelling salts?! The flower is currently gracing the music desk on my harpsichord.

I hurt, I yearn, I feel.  It's been a while, but through the fear, I feel alive.

And now to finish my bloody mary.

I've never been more discouraged in my life.  I'm alone, I'm broke, and I teach in a state that hates teachers.  How do I know that the state hates teachers?  This is how - the budget for the coming year will do this to education:

1. Eliminates 9,306.5 education positions -- 5,184.5 teachers, 3,850 teacher assistants, and 272 Support Personnel (guidance counselors, psychologist, etc.).

2. Provides NO pay increases for educators, continuing North Carolina’s race to the bottom of national salaries. In 2007-08 North Carolina was ranked 25th in the nation in teacher pay, last year our state was 46th. With no additional pay, next year North Carolina undoubtedly will be at the bottom.

3. While gutting public schools and educators, the legislature adopted a $50 million school voucher program ($10 million 2013-14, $40 million in 2014-15).

4. The North Carolina Budget eliminates career status for all teachers. Senate legislation, that received no public hearings in the House, was placed in the budget to eliminate career status for teachers. The new standard requires each school district to identify the top 25% of effective teachers without providing any criteria on how to accomplish this ranking of professionals. Teachers will be placed on a 1, 2, or 4 year contract. The top 25% will be given the option of receiving $500 to compensate them for the loss of due process rights. NOTE: the new system will be phased in over the course of the next five years.

5. North Carolina no longer values educators who work on their continuing education through Masters or Doctorate level degrees. Beginning in the 2014-15 school year, educators will receive no additional pay for additional degrees unless your job requires (counselors, school psychologists, etc.)

6. Grades Schools (A-F), 80% based on standardized test scores, 20% based on growth. No other variables will be considered in this grading.

7. Eliminates the Teaching Fellows Program, once heralded as a national model for recruiting teachers into the classroom, the program is no longer funded.

8. Reduces targeted education funding:
• Cuts Textbook funding by $77.4 million dollars;
• Cuts Classroom supply funding by $45.7 million dollars;
• Cuts Limited English Proficiency funding by $6 million dollars.

9. Retired educators will receive NO Cost of Living Adjustments (COLA).

10. The General Assembly will be back next year.

Why do I teach and why do I teach in NC?!

Holy Moly

Well...

I've moved from my teaching position at East... now I'm teaching at AC Reynolds High and I think I'm still in shock.  It's the end of the fall semester and I'm still in shock.  The program is MUCH bigger, the administration is completely different and the expectations are overwhelming.  I've gotten through two major concerts, three or four public outreach performances and final exams.  Now I'm looking at festivals, two more rather large concerts and the spring musical... and then, of course, there is graduation and all tat jazz.  I'm exhausted, but it's nice to get to teach such advanced music.

I miss my kids at East.

I've had another evening of remembering people and places and I'm feeling things I haven't felt in a while.  I hate it when this happens.  It hasn't happened in quite a while, so I'm wondering now how long it will last.  I hope not long.  I hope I can find a distraction.  This is the time I wonder what exactly is wrong with me and reexamine all the things I hate about myself and try to figure out which thing (f not all of them) is the cause of my single-hood.  I don't actually mind begin single... I can tend to be rather selfish at times and I don't know exactly what I would do if I were tied down to someone else' schedule, opinion and life.  I have very recently been in touch with someone I have loved for a long time - nothing romantic, just a kindred spirit and someone with whom I have been very close for a long time - and they are not the person I have known and loved because if the relationship that has enveloped them.  Suddenly there is no joy or laughter coming from this friend and they have become the very kind of person we use to hate being around; bitter, angry and self-important.  Is that what happens in relationships?  Do we become unrecognizable to our friends and family?

I'm exhausted and need to rest.  I'm about to enjoy some lasagna and am watching "Keeping Up Appearances" so the evening should be nice... if I can distract myself enough from the memories.  

Change

Change is happening and things are moving... both literally and figuratively.  So much to do and so little time.

Last Day

It's the last day of school and I have received a little bit more bad news amidst having to say goodbye to the seniors in my program.  That means that the ulcers I have in my mouth as a result of this very stressful week will not be going away any time soon.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they got worse.

  These are my seniors - a complete ensemble within themselves

We had the senior award ceremony this morning during first and second periods and of course, I had to be the first to present my awards.  I stood up at the podium and was just fine.  I began to speak about how difficult it is to get to know these kids for four years just to let them go.  I was still fine.  Then I looked down at the little script I had sketched out for myself so as to not forget anything important, saw the name of the first senior I was going to present an honor cord to and suddenly couldn't see or speak.  I had to wait for what felt like an eternity for the lump in my throat to shrink enough to allow proper phonation.  I squeaked out the first little bit and sounded very much like a kid whose voice was right in the middle of the worst part of a voice change.  Finally, by way of making fun of myself, I got a giggle from the audience and had a little chuckle myself and was able to finish.  The next kid was the worst - I squeaked, squinted and wiped my face the entire time I was trying to read.  After cracking another joke about my obvious instability, it was a little easier to get through the next award.  Then came the final two and I was great until the very end when I said that one of them was the smartest kid I have ever known, and the word "known" went up in what sounded like air being slowly pinched out of a balloon by an obnoxious kid at a birthday party.  Tears immediately poured down my face - just like they are now - and I had to try and squeak out the title of the awards and the names to which they were being presented.  It's unfair to make creative people have to stand up and do what we did this morning.  We are simply too emotional.  I dread graduation tonight.

My world is kind of in a whirlwind of change right now.  The possibilities of really big changes are looking overhead and it's uncomfortable and scary.  I honestly feel like these seniors who are packing up their lives and going to college.  I may be saying goodbye to more than just my seniors and if I have to say the goodbye I don't want to say, I'm afraid of how it will effect me.  It would definitely be a lot more difficult to come to school every day.

I just want some peace and quiet.  I don't want to be busy.  I don't want to have any deadlines.  I don't want to worry anymore.  I don't want to say goodbye to any more friends.  Peace and quiet.

To my seniors - I will miss you and I love you all like you're my own kids.

To my colleague and friend - I hope this is not goodbye.  Not yet.

To God - do I get a break now?

Why is it...

that when you think things are going better and looking up, you are slapped in the face with the reality that nothing has changed?  I'm broke - I can't afford the general cost of living because I am in one of the few professions in which you work and work and work and get NO pay raise.  I'm being paid as a beginning teacher and this is the end of four and a half years.  That means I can't even afford to start repaying the loans I had to take out to get the eduction that I was told was going to help me have a good career and make decent money.  On top of that, at school, I am constantly reminded that for the most part my students will never rise above being common, trashy, lazy and stupid because they are not expected to by anyone other than me.  They don't have to show up to school because all of their absences are just forgiven like wiping a marker board clean.  We are not even allowed to count them tardy in the attendance book.  They don't have to pass tests or make good grades because in the case of more than one senior who has taken my music appreciation class and failed horribly, grades were changed without my say so they could walk.  I guess if we don't prepare them , we need to just push them out and get them out of our hair... so they can start cooking the food we eat out or any number of menial services we will eventually have to rely on. 

This awful realization has always been there in the back of my mind, but it was brought right back to the front last night.  We had an underclassmen awards ceremony last night.  My advanced group was asked to sing the Alma Mater and the National Anthem, so we met early to rehearse before the ceremony began.  Three of my ADVANCED STUDENTS showed up with some of their uniforms missing.  They laughed because they thought it was funny.  I, in turn, made everyone take off what those three were missing.  They didn't like that so they stopped giggling.  They then began to complain that we were going to actually be holding them accountable for their trashy behavior at graduation and did nothing but turn into trailer trash before my very eyes.  After the ceremony was finished, I walked into my room to realize that those stupid kids had left an ungodly mess and even left a carton of milk just sitting on my table.  WHO DOES THAT?!

So, on to the ceremony itself.  A lot of teachers don't even give awards to underclassmen, but I did.  I wanted to recognize the achievement of three students who have seemingly come a long way for me this semester.  I get up, begin to say wonderful things about a sophomore and why it was I selected her to receive this award, and when I say her name to come to the stage, she isn't there.  Didn't even bother to come.  So, I shrug and move on to the next.  I had even more glowing and wonderful things to say about this student (who otherwise has the reputation of being a complete loser that neither her peers nor most of her teachers respect very much) and when I said her name, there were crickets.  She also didn't come to the ceremony.  So, I had to move on to the third student.  I talked about how great she was and how much she has done for the program (and she had actually just sang on stage with my advanced group at the beginning of the evening) and when I called her name... SHE WASN'T THERE.  I'm so sick of kids who are so unmotivated and so self involved that they can't even show up to a formal event to receive recognition in a positive light for once.  I will not be giving out any more awards.

Of course after that, lots of other stupid little things kept happening to just add to the problem and I'm in quite a state this morning.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want to be around these stupid kids anymore.  I don't want to see my "colleagues."  I want to start over and I don't get to.

I hope none of these kids come to school tomorrow.  I would love to spend my last day in peace.

Questions

It seems I'm reminded more and more every day that I want to leave where I am.

Why is it that we are required to accommodate people who are lazy, ungrateful and selfish?

Why does public education suck so much?

What ever happened to talent?

Why do parents seem to not hold their children accountable for anything anymore?

Why do we medicate instead of discipline?

Why is the cost of living rising, but pay getting lower?

These are just a few of the questions swimming around under my hairdo.